Driving With A Cullen
by J. Morgan
Summary: How nice would it be if Edward Cullen had written your horrendously boring Drivers Ed guide? What if he decided to teach you the "Rules of the Road"?
1. Introduction

_This goofy little guide was written by two friends who were complaining about the dreariness of the Permit Book and how much more interesting it would be if it had been written by none other than Edward Cullen.  
Enjoy.  
We're addicted to reviews so we'd appreciate them. Feed the addiction and review! Please!_

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Hello, I'm Edward Cullen.

What you are now reading is an introduction to a little manual that I'm calling "Driving With A Cullen: How To Keep From Pissing Off A Vampire." The title is a little lengthy, I know, but it gets the point across as well as possible, I think.

Throughout this handy manual I'll be taking you through the various steps and mistakes you humans make when driving, the little mishaps and mistakes that, to be blunt, piss the immortal off and gives us a lethal case of "road rage."

This entire project was written in concern for your safety. And, to be completely honest, in irritation for the drivers of vehicles that refuse to go over fifty miles an hour lest it spontaneously combust, but we'll get to speed next chapter. At this present time I'll just go over things that you should expect to find written in your DWAC Manual.

**Chapter One- Speed: Numbers That Can Make or Break You  
Chapter Two- The Rules Of The Road: Suggestions That May Save Your Life  
Chapter Three- Above the Influence: Hanging With Werewolves**

That's all for now. I hope that you enjoy, and above all heed my warnings and guidance. The one thing that's more irritating to a vampire than werewolves is human driving.

Drive safe,  
Edward A. Cullen


	2. Speed

_This lovely chapter was written by Morgan and edited/co-written by me, J.  
I hope you enjoy :)_

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This first chapter will be covering the most important of all qualities you must possess to keep on the immortal's good side. Speed. And by speed, I don't mean the narcotic. I mean that exhilarating, adrenaline pumping, wind through your hair, don't open your mouth or you may eat a bug, feeling that you get when you let your foot grow heavy on the gas peddle and feel yourself flying across the blacktop.

If you are unaware of how to press down on the gas peddle more than a fraction of a centimeter, then I suggest you get comfortable and pay close attention to this brief chapter.

The one thing that will irritate a Cullen more than anything is driving slower than my one hundred and eighty-five year old grandmother drove her horse and buggy. As vampires, we Cullen's have only a few needs. The one worth mentioning at this time and the second most predominate is a need for speed. Nearly nothing can make us more irritated than humans with light feet. Who can't seem to push they're wee little soles just a tad bit farther to further their speed from a painstakingly slow crawl to something a tad bit normal like the ACTUAL SPEED LIMIT. Seriously, if you can't drive faster than 60 mph, then join the snails on the side of the road and get out of our way.

On the various highways and roads of the world, we tend to experience what you might call "road rage." I call it rational and righteous anger, but seeing as no one asked my opinion, I'll keep that thought between you and I.

As a rule, you will never ever see a Cullen driving slower than 80 mph. For one thing, our luxurious foreign sports cars won't go slower than fifty miles an hour, and for another as soon as our vehicles hit the pavement a strange sort of frenzy begins. It's as if we can't stop from pressing the gas peddle further and further until the speedometer is about to bust. Basically, as soon as a Cullen feels that adrenaline from the speed, it is almost impossible to stop. Words of advice: Drive fast, but never try to pass a Cullen. There is not the slightest change that you'll ever go faster than us and if you're lucky you'll only end up with a spent engine on the side of the road awaiting a tow truck.

This part of the section I stress completely seriously. IF YOUR VEHICLE IS OLDER THAN A COLLEGE STUDENT, GET OFF THE ROAD. If your name happens to be Isabella Swan, this section is particularly for you. If your car sounds like it's going to spontaneously combust every time you crank the engine, it's time for a new car. Car's that make more noise than the wheeziest elderly person in the nursing home aren't acceptable in the world of the immortals. In fact, cars such as these shouldn't be acceptable in the mortal world either. In my opinion they should be torn apart and burned until there's nothing left besides ashes and leftover rust residue.

I also have one thought question for this chapter**: Why would you want to own a vehicle that you could run, or possibly walk, faster than?**

The only respectable vehicles that are worthy of being owned by an immortal are in my garage. Visit sometime and I'll make sure to give a grand tour, if you promise to please, _please _go and buy one as soon as you leave.

The next point I will be talking about is the ridiculous notion of speed limits. In the Vampire world, there are no limitations to speed. Our motto is the faster, the better. None of us appreciate cautious drivers who abide by the speed limits. There are no rules to speed, and do not listen to any cop (especially the Chief of Police) who tries to inform you otherwise. It's the Cullen's way, or no way.

Also, yield signs, yellow stop lights, and any other signs hindering your speed should immediately be ignored. Like I have previously stated, there is no limitations to your speed, and objects that block this rule should be disregarded. Ignore these, and you will make a Cullen happy.

This concludes our discussion about speed. If you have any further questions, contact one of the Cullen's. I expect to see some drastic changes in some people's driving. And if I don't, let's just say, you better be aware of the shiny silver Volvo that is coming to rear end you.

Just a warning.


End file.
